Following a week in which:
– Liverpool DIDN’T play.
– Manchester City DIDN’T play.
– Juventus DIDN’T bother trying to play and were beaten 2-1 by Hellas Verona.
We, using quotes from Breaking Bad, rank the 15 best teams in Europe:
15. Sheffield United (Re-Entry)
“I once told a woman I was Kevin Costner, and it worked because I believed it.”
Sheffield United once told the Premier League that they were the 2009 Barcelona team, and it worked because they believed it.
At the start of the season, nine out of 12 members of the 90min editorial/written team predicted that the Blades would finish 20th.
In mid-February, they sit fifth in the league table, just two points adrift of the Champions League places.
Are we all idiots? Yes.
Are Sheffield United the 2009 Barcelona team? They might be…
14. Manchester City (-)
“Darth Vader had responsibilities. He was responsible for the Death Star.”
Manchester City’s game was postponed this past week because the club were, to quote Toby Cudworth: “Too afraid to play the mighty Hammers! Irons! Irons! Irons!”
13. Tottenham Hotspur (-)
“Electrons – they change their energy levels. Molecules change their bonds. Elements – they combine and change into compounds. Well, that’s all of life, right? It’s the constant. It’s the cycle. It’s solution, dissolution, just over and over and over. It is growth, then decay, then transformation.”
Tottenham Hotspur didn’t play this past week because, to quote Sean Walsh: “Harry Winks wanted a holiday and he bloody deserved it so we gave it to him. One of our own! COYS! COYS! COYS!”
12. Marseille (-)
“You need to stop focusing on the darkness behind you. The past is the past. Nothing can change what we’ve done.”
Andre Villas-Boas has finally stopped focusing on the darkness behind him: the disastrous spells at Tottenham Hotspur and Chelsea.
He’s put it behind him. The past is the past.
And in doing so, he’s been able to move forward with Marseille, and propel them up to second in Ligue 1 and a 13 match unbeaten run in Ligue 1.
11. Barcelona (Re-Entry)
“You are a time bomb tick, tick, ticking. And I have no intention of being around for the ‘boom.’”
Ok, so Barcelona won at the weekend. Big whoop-de-doo. Well done.
One of the main problems is how bad they are defensively.
Another is how their forward options don’t know how to play with Lionel Messi.
Another is how ugly their chequered kit is.
10. Benfica (Down 1)
“This is my own private domicile and I will not be harassed…bitch!”
Benfica’s last 17 Primeira Liga games:
Goals Scored: 44.
Goals Conceded: 9.
Goal Difference: +35.
Throughout this season, Primeira Liga has been Benfica’s own private domicile in which they were rarely harassed – except when they play Porto…they get slapped about by Porto.
9. Porto (Re-Entry)
“We’re done when I say we’re done.”
Porto – outta nowhere (!) – have blown the title race wide open – sort of.
They’ve now done the double over Benfica in the league, and are now just four points adrift of them. Nice one.
8. Getafe (Up 3)
“So you do have a plan! Yeah Mr. White! Yeah science!”
Getafe have a plan! Yeah, a plan!
And it’s pretty simple one, but bah gawd it’s working: i
They’ve now won their last four La Liga games without conceding a single goal.
Yeah clean sheets!
7. Juventus (Down 3)
“Some people are immune to good advice.”
Do you know what’s a good idea?
Starting Paulo Dybala.
That is a really good idea.
Do you know what Maurizio Sarri doesn’t do?
Start Paulo Dybala.
6. Hellas Verona (New Entry)
“Just because you shot Jesse James, don’t make you Jesse James.”
Ok, Hellas Verona, just because you beat the Italian champions, don’t make you the Italian champions.
BUT, what such a win does do is catapult you into 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings for the first time ever. Which, in our humble opinion, is a big deal.
5. Real Madrid (Up 1)
“There is gold in the streets just waiting for someone to come and scoop it up.”
With Atletico Madrid unable to hit a barn door and Barcelona sieving goals like a Sunday league team, Real Madrid have a real opportunity to win some Spanish silverware this season.
And judging by their recent form, they’re ready to do just that; they’re ready to scoop it allllll up.
4. SS Lazio (Up 4)
“I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot, and you think that of me? No! I am the one who knocks!”
Lazio are the danger.
They’re not the team in Serie A that rolls over for one of the top sides. No! They are one of the top sides.
Simone Inzaghi’s men’s win at the weekend moved them to within just one point of top spot in Serie A. They’re the real deal.
3. Paris Saint-Germain (-)
Oh would you look at that, Paris Saint-Germain have won their last nine games in all competitions by scoring 29 goals and conceding just five?
What a surprise.
2. Inter (Up 3)
“I have spent my whole life scared, frightened of things that could happen, might happen, might not happen. 50 years I spent like that – finding myself awake at three in the morning. But you know what? Ever since my diagnosis, I sleep just fine. And I came to realise, it’s that fear that’s the worst of it. That’s the real enemy. So, get up. Get out in the real world.”
Inter spent the last decade scared, frightened of things that could happen, might happen, might not happen. Ten years they spent like that – finding themselves awake at three in the morning wondering how they managed to finish outside of the UEFA Champions League spots over and over again.
But you know what? Ever since Antonio Conte’s appointment, they sleep just fine. And they came to realise, it’s that fear that’s the worst of it. That’s the real enemy. So, get up. Get out in the real world. And win the Scudetto.
1. Liverpool (-)
“The moral of the story is I chose a half measure when I should have gone all the way. I’ll never make that mistake again. No more half measures, Walter.”
Liverpool didn’t play this past week because, to quote Brendan Hodrien: “We’re the best team in the werrrrrlllllld mate! We don’t need to play – we’ve already won. YNWA!”