90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings 2020/21: Week 5

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Rashford scored a UCL hat trick | ANTHONY DEVLIN/Getty Images

Following a week in which:

– Marcus Rashford scored THREE goals in one game.

– Bayern Munich scored FIVE goals in one game.

– Ajax scored 13 GOALS IN ONE GAME.

We at 90min are going way back to 1967 to nab quotes from some of the greatest films of the 1960s – and watch Paul Newman eat 50 eggs – and use them to rank the 15 best teams in Europe:

Paul Newman Egg GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY
Zinedine Zidane
Zidane’s a good manager | DeFodi Images/Getty Images

“I’M HYSTERICAL! I’M HYSTERICAL! I’M HYS-I’M WET! I’M WET! I’M HYSTERICAL AND I’M WET!…I’M IN PAIN! …AND I’M WET! …AND I’M STILL HYSTERICAL!” (The Producers)

Real Madrid fans are a hysterical bunch, aren’t they?

After the defeat to Shakhtar Donetsk the sky was falling in on itself and Zinedine Zidane was a ‘fraud m8’, then Zidane was heralded as a genius for besting Barca in El Clasico, andddd now he’s back to being a fraud ‘wHo OnLy WoN tHe ChAmPiOnS lEaGuE bEcAuSe oF Cr7″ after the draw with Borussia Monchengladbach.

“I’m just…”
“…worried?”
“Well…”
“About what?”
“I guess about my future.”
“What about it?”
“I don’t know. I want it to be…”
“…to be what?”
“…Different.” (The Graduate)

There’s something that Tottenham fans want more than anything else in the world: for their club to be different. To be less, you know, less ‘Spursy’, and for their club’s future to be laden with trophies rather than FA Cup semi final defeats to Chelsea.

Their recent 10 game unbeaten run suggested that they may be on track to get what the want this season…but then they lost to Royal Antwerp…and now Tottenham fans are very, very worried about their future again.

Lille have drawn their last two
Lille have drawn their last two | DENIS CHARLET/Getty Images

“They got us, boy. They’re out there, thicker than flies. Bosses, dogs, sheriffs, more guns than I’ve ever seen in my life. You ain’t got a chance.” (Cool Hand Luke)

Right, let’s call it like it is: Lille have absolutely no chance of winning Ligue 1 this season. They’ve already spurned their four point lead over PSG atop of the table.

They ain’t got a chance.

BUT that’s not to say they can’t have a great season.

Their come-from-behind draw with Celtic, coupled with their emphatic 4-1 win over Sparta Prague has put them in prime position to qualify for the next round of the Europa League. That’s nice.

Moise Kean
Moise Kean has hit the ground running at PSG | Pool/Getty Images

“Hell, he’s a natural-born world-shaker.” (Cool Hand Luke)

It’s easy to forget that, prior to his disastrous season at Everton, Moise Kean was one of the brightest prospects in world football. This writer even called him a ‘generational talent‘, which seems ridiculous to everyone that watched him at Everton, but the forward was genuinely fantastic at Juventus – where he became the first player born in the 21st century to appear in the Champions League and to score in any of Europe’s top five leagues.

Now shipped out on loan at PSG, Kean is finally looking like that player Italian football fans thought he’d become. He’s already bagged four goals in two games for the club, and looks set to add another 30 before the season’s out.

Kean’s still a natural-born world-shaker.

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Man City thumped Marseille | CHRISTOPHE SIMON/Getty Images

“Well, I would say that I’m just drifting.” (The Graduate)

Manchester City are just kinda drifting along at the moment. There’s no reason to suggest that they won’t do alright in Champions League and the Premier League, but there’s even less reasons to suggest that they’ll win those competitions either.

They’ll probably win the Carabao Cup though – they’re the only club that care about that.

Ole Gunnar Solskjær
Ole’s done alright recently | DeFodi Images/Getty Images

“You’re trying to seduce me…aren’t you?” (The Graduate)

Through Manchester United’s recent performances it’s pretty clear that Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is trying to seduce the Red Devils’ faithful, and convince them that he’s the right man to take the club forward.

Is it working?

Ummmmm probably not to be honest, but credit where it’s due, Ole hasn’t looked completely out of his depth recently.

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Who knew West Ham and Antonio were this good? | JUSTIN TALLIS/Getty Images

“Mowgli is where he belongs now.” (The Jungle Book)

Remember when Slaven Bilic used to play Michail Antonio as a right-back?

Yeah we agree, that was stupid.

Well now Antonio is where he belongs up top and is putting in career best performances.

Patrick Bamford
Bamford has been exceptional this season | Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

“I don’t think that you could let an opportunity like that pass by.” (In the Heat of the Night)

Let’s be honest, the Premier League has been pretty terrible this season.

Sure, there’s been a billion and one goals, but the overall quality of football that’s been played in the league has been fairly dire.

There’s no really great team, there’s no good defenders, and there’s at least 15 idiotic goalkeepers. Because of all of this, this season presents somewhat of an opportunity for any remotely competent team to stake their claim as a top half team.

To date, Leeds have not let this opportunity pass them by. After their win over Aston Villa, they’re sitting pretty in sixth. Lovely stuff.

Erling Haaland
Big baby face Haaland | DeFodi Images/Getty Images

“He grin like a baby, but he bites like a ‘gator.” (Cool Hand Luke)

Erling Haaland’s international and club record this season:
Played: 10.
Goals: 13.
Assists: 3.

Don’t be fooled by that big innocent baby-face above, Erling Haaland bites like a gator.

Pizzi
Benfica win most games they play | Carlos Rodrigues/Getty Images

“You’re almost nearly perfect!” (Barefoot in the Park)

Benfica’s 2020/21 form:
Played: 7.
Won: 6.
Drawn: 0.
Lost: 1.
Goals Scored: 22.
Goals Conceded: 7.

An almost nearly perfect start to the season for Benfica!

It’s just a pity that their one defeat was in the most important of the season so far: their UEFA Champions League qualifier.

Diogo Jota
Liverpool have been decent recently | Michael Regan/Getty Images

“That’s it, baby, when you’ve got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!” (The Producers)

Mohamed Salah, Roberto Firmino, Diogo Jota, Sadio Mane, Takumi Minamino, Divock Origi.

Liverpool have a wealth of attacking talent to choose from and in their three most recent games – which they won, obviously – they’ve flaunted it in a big, big way.

“I feel like we’ve died and gone to heaven – only we’ve had to climb up.” (Barefoot in the Park)

“And the NEEEWWWWWWWW Champions League belt holders: S…S…C NAPOLIIIIIIIIIII!!!”

Yes, that’s right, with their win over high-flying Real Sociedad on Thursday night Napoli became the new, reigning, defending, undisputed, Champions League belt holders.

When you consider just how many COVID cases the club have had to deal with in recent weeks, that is a minor miracle.

“Your Honour, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, Max Bialystock is the most selfish man I ever met in my life.” (The Producers)

Your honour, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Ajax are the most selfish football team I’ve ever seen in my life.

This past week they scored 13 unanswered goals against VVV-Venlo.

13-0. That was the final scoreline.

They didn’t even let VVV score one measly goal.

Selfish.

Rafael Leao, Diogo Dalot, Brahim Diaz
Milan are unbeatable | Emilio Andreoli/Getty Images

“I want to say one word to you. Just one word.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Are you listening”
“Yes, I am.
“Plastics.”
“Exactly how do you mean?”
“There’s a great future in plastics. Think about it. Will you think about it?” (The Graduate)

I want to say two words to you. Just two words.

Rafael Leao.

There’s a great future in Milan for Rafael Leao.

He’s started the season superbly with three goals and three assists, and he looks like he’s only going to get better.

Lokomotiv Moskva v FC Bayern Muenchen: Group A - UEFA Champions League
Kimmich: best player in the world | MB Media/Getty Images

“You’re good!”
“I ain’t good. I’m the best!”
“And modest!” (Bonnie and Clyde)

Look, Joshua Kimmich ain’t just ‘good’, he’s the best.

Kimmich is the best footballer in the world right now.

He’s better than Robert Lewandowski, he’s better than Lionel Messi, he’s better than Kevin De Bruyne, he’s better than Cristiano Ronaldo.

He is the best.



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